cold, hard numbers

Nothing quite like doing finances to give oneself a dose of reality-- kind of like a slap (or two) in the face.

That's what I did last week. After sorting through receipts and bills for the past few months, I came face to face with the cold, hard numbers that we were spending more than we were making.

Granted, it included large expenses such as traveling overseas to my grandfather's funeral and my husband's college tuition. But with this being just the beginning of his academic pursuits and with a baby on the way, my mind began to spin, wondering how long it would be before we exhaust our savings going down this road.

This morning, our pastor preached on the story of Abraham offering Isaac to the Lord (Genesis 22). I don't know how many times I've read this story, but this time I was faced with a cold, hard number of a different kind. Abraham had one son-- that one represented the culmination of everything God had promised him and everything God had given him in life. God also has one Son-- and He gave up that Son for a world that still can't comprehend His sacrifice.

It doesn't make sense for my husband to be pursuing another degree on a lower salary while we're preparing to have a baby... but it didn't make sense for Abraham to offer Isaac as an offering to God either. We know God led my husband back to school, and we know that this child is a gift from Him. I don't know how we'll pay for it all, but I can still learn to be supportive (and thrifty) now.

And someday, I'll look back and see how God took care of those cold, hard numbers one day at a time.
_____________________

"The dearest I have known, whate'er that may be
Help me to tear it from Thy throne and worship only Thee."
-- William Cooper

moving on...

Today was my husband's last day of work. This summer, we'll be hosting a conference for international students, so he had to take a long leave of absence. Before he left, his supervisor gave him his cell phone number and told him to call when he was ready to work again.

Yesterday, we received an acceptance letter from a local university. My husband would like to start graduate studies in philosophy, but because he doesn't have that in his bachelor's or master's, he needs to take a few undergrad courses first.

As for me, well, today marks eight weeks. Yes, we're going to be parents!!

weathering our first tornado

"Smells like a tornado."

I looked incredulously at my friend, but she was right. That afternoon, the tornado sirens went off as I was preparing for dinner, so we tuned into the local radio station.

The next hour felt like an eternity. We listened anxiously as tornado after tornado developed around the greater Oklahoma City area. I glanced up nervously at our skylights while I finished chopping lettuce and green onions, realizing that this beautiful blessing made me particularly vulnerable in the kitchen. We went through the house gathering emergency supplies, squeezed into our little laundry room, and shut the door.

Being a relatively new Okie, I felt fear rising in my heart. A tornado had ripped through our neighborhood before—and it could very well happen again.

Rumor has it that over 20 tornadoes developed throughout Oklahoma state that evening. While God chose to protect us and our skylights, other families are picking up debris from their demolished homes. Does that mean God loves us more?

No. This experience reminded me a lot of the days leading up to my husband's layoff. We heard rumblings of it, but we weren't quite sure who it would hit. That time, it was us.

Even though it one of the hardest trials we've faced as a couple, now in retrospect, we thank God for it. God allowed that "tornado" to hit us to help us reevaluate our purpose as individuals and our direction as a family. And we're still praying. Turning in the right direction is only the beginning.

buying vs renting

When you're going through unemployment, there's a period of "floundering," when you aren't quite sure what to do with yourself, so you reach out for something-- anything-- that might help restore your sense of normalcy and security.

After my husband got laid off, we went through that-- trying to figure out what kind of work he could do, how we could maintain the income we needed, whether or not to pursue various job opportunities...

At the same time, however we wanted to make sure we didn't jump into something simply to establish a false sense of security. We knew God led us to here. We knew God led my husband to work at this specific company. We knew God allowed him to get laid off. Why? Does God want to direct our paths in a totally different direction? If so, how do we go about figuring that out?

A couple weeks ago, we traveled to Minnesota for my husband's grandfather's funeral. As we drove through the barren corn fields of Iowa, we listened to this song:

But if my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
'Cause nothing I have is truly mine

Hmm... What does that mean? Are we "renting" or "buying" right now? We've often talked to our friends about living without regrets-- but what would that look like for us?

I thought back to the week my husband was laid off. We found ourselves unpacking boxes from our move last September. While he worked through numerous boxes of books and collections (that I laid eyes on for the first time ever), he began carrying on an online debate with a group of atheists. That led to a formal blog debate, in which he and one of the atheists posted back and forth for a total of six times.

While I would have avoided that kind of situation, my husband dove in with great relish. He researched his arguments, discussed them with friends, and mulled over it throughout the day. For the first time in our marriage, he entered a zone where I couldn't quite reach him.

I mentioned that observation to him as we began discussing the concept of "buying." If he enjoyed that mental stimulation, that research, that debating so much... what if that was what God designed him to do? What if he were to go back to school for that specific purpose?

He paused before responding with "Huh."

We sank into silence, him processing the new idea and all its implications and me watching his mind at work.

And so, we have begun praying in this direction. If this is what God created my husband to do, then we want to get ready to "buy."

________________________

For those of you who have been asking about his second interview, it seems to have gone well. He has another one tomorrow and has also submitted his resume to a number of other places. All of these are for temporary positions to tide us over until the summer. Thank you for your love and prayers!