year-end thanksgiving

It's been a few months since I wrote the last post. I don't want to end the year on that note, because God has provided for and blessed us in so many ways...

• My husband loved his first semester of school. It's hard to share him with the books, but I'm so glad that he has found something that he thrives on.
• God has blessed the company where he's now working, so he's put in a bit of overtime. 
• At his quarterly evaluation, his supervisor told him that he would put in a word for a small raise. It's not much, but a raise is a raise-- and we were not expecting it.
• His company also offers a health initiative which offers a bonus for maintaining a certain degree of physical health each quarter. He passed with flying colors-- and a nice check to show for it.
• God provided some much-needed furniture for the baby at half the retail cost.
• A kind woman at church blessed me with an unexpected gift specifically to purchase maternity clothing. 

I could go on... God's grace has no limits. We are so very grateful for all His blessings to us. Happy New Year, everyone!

cold, hard numbers

Nothing quite like doing finances to give oneself a dose of reality-- kind of like a slap (or two) in the face.

That's what I did last week. After sorting through receipts and bills for the past few months, I came face to face with the cold, hard numbers that we were spending more than we were making.

Granted, it included large expenses such as traveling overseas to my grandfather's funeral and my husband's college tuition. But with this being just the beginning of his academic pursuits and with a baby on the way, my mind began to spin, wondering how long it would be before we exhaust our savings going down this road.

This morning, our pastor preached on the story of Abraham offering Isaac to the Lord (Genesis 22). I don't know how many times I've read this story, but this time I was faced with a cold, hard number of a different kind. Abraham had one son-- that one represented the culmination of everything God had promised him and everything God had given him in life. God also has one Son-- and He gave up that Son for a world that still can't comprehend His sacrifice.

It doesn't make sense for my husband to be pursuing another degree on a lower salary while we're preparing to have a baby... but it didn't make sense for Abraham to offer Isaac as an offering to God either. We know God led my husband back to school, and we know that this child is a gift from Him. I don't know how we'll pay for it all, but I can still learn to be supportive (and thrifty) now.

And someday, I'll look back and see how God took care of those cold, hard numbers one day at a time.
_____________________

"The dearest I have known, whate'er that may be
Help me to tear it from Thy throne and worship only Thee."
-- William Cooper

back in the saddle... soon

I sent my husband off to university for the first time this week. When I asked him how it went, he replied, "Not too intensive, actually." That was before his metaphysics class and before he had to stay up till 3:45 AM finishing the assignments he missed while we were out-of-town.

We're back after two very full months away-- my sister's wedding in New York; a summer conference for international students in Oklahoma, Michigan, and Chicago; a family vacation in Montana, and my grandfather's funeral in Taiwan. This week, we're enjoying our unemployment status as a much-needed break from the hectic pace of the summer.

Next week, in addition to classes, my husband returns to work and I will as well. Our exchange student has decided not to return to the US, so I'll be shipping or selling his belongings and figuring out how to set up the baby room. But that can wait till next week. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the break while it lasts.

moving on...

Today was my husband's last day of work. This summer, we'll be hosting a conference for international students, so he had to take a long leave of absence. Before he left, his supervisor gave him his cell phone number and told him to call when he was ready to work again.

Yesterday, we received an acceptance letter from a local university. My husband would like to start graduate studies in philosophy, but because he doesn't have that in his bachelor's or master's, he needs to take a few undergrad courses first.

As for me, well, today marks eight weeks. Yes, we're going to be parents!!

weathering our first tornado

"Smells like a tornado."

I looked incredulously at my friend, but she was right. That afternoon, the tornado sirens went off as I was preparing for dinner, so we tuned into the local radio station.

The next hour felt like an eternity. We listened anxiously as tornado after tornado developed around the greater Oklahoma City area. I glanced up nervously at our skylights while I finished chopping lettuce and green onions, realizing that this beautiful blessing made me particularly vulnerable in the kitchen. We went through the house gathering emergency supplies, squeezed into our little laundry room, and shut the door.

Being a relatively new Okie, I felt fear rising in my heart. A tornado had ripped through our neighborhood before—and it could very well happen again.

Rumor has it that over 20 tornadoes developed throughout Oklahoma state that evening. While God chose to protect us and our skylights, other families are picking up debris from their demolished homes. Does that mean God loves us more?

No. This experience reminded me a lot of the days leading up to my husband's layoff. We heard rumblings of it, but we weren't quite sure who it would hit. That time, it was us.

Even though it one of the hardest trials we've faced as a couple, now in retrospect, we thank God for it. God allowed that "tornado" to hit us to help us reevaluate our purpose as individuals and our direction as a family. And we're still praying. Turning in the right direction is only the beginning.

early mornings and sore muscles

So a week and a half into the new job means...

Getting up at 5AM is becoming a normal-- albeit not yet comfortable-- part of life.

Figuring out two work schedules with one car. (Good thing our exchange student can now ride his motorcycle to school!) My boss gave me a key to the office, so that I can check in with security and go to work at 6:15. Problem is, I went to the bathroom one morning and forgot that my keycard wouldn't work until 7:00, so I had to find a way to climb over the receptionist's desk to get back into our office.

Packing lunch and snack again. I confess I didn't miss this part when my husband wasn't working. But now, because his job is so physical, I not only need to pack him a lunch but also a morning and afternoon snack for break time.

Dropping him off and picking him up at work when I need to use the car during the day.

Having him home for more of the afternoon, because he gets off between 3-4 PM. We like this part of the job.

Doing more laundry, because his clothes get greasy and sweaty from assembling oil valves.

Structuring our lives around his work schedule because it is very taboo to be late. (I was so worried about this that I dreamt that I dreamt that we had overslept-- yes, that means I woke up "twice" thinking he was late to work-- all in the same night!)

Making tentative weekend plans, because he may have to work on Saturday. (There are 3 out-of-town weddings we'd like to attend this month...)

Feeling exhausted throughout the day as we learn to go to bed earlier...

Changes-- yes. But it's been good. We are grateful for this job and the opportunity he has to be part of industrial America.

readjusting to employment

Thanks to all who offered advice for our situation.

Over the last week, my husband has had job interviews with two companies, a call to interview with a third company, and a real honest-to-goodness job offer...

...which he accepted.

Starting tomorrow morning, we'll be readjusting to employment by getting up an hour earlier, so he can get to work by 6:30 AM, where he'll be working on valve assembly for 9 hours a day. This is no desk job-- it's a "pull-out-the-grubby-tennis-shoes, on-your-feet-all-day" kind of job.

While most people will say that you do what you have to do to pay the bills, he decided to accept this job, because it will plug us into a different corner of our community. While we continue entertaining the idea of him going back to school, this job will introduce him to a new realm of ideas, lifestyles, and backgrounds.

But enough glorification of his new warehouse job. It's time for us to start going to bed early.

decisions

Happy one unemployment monthiversary to us.

So one month later, here's a glimpse into the decisions that we're facing. First, some of the non-negotiables:

We just bought a house last summer.

We have a high school exchange student living with us through the beginning of June (and probably for the next two years).

We have already booked tickets to a good friend's wedding over Memorial Day, so he would have to take two days off from work (if he is offered a position).

My sister is getting married the second weekend of July, so we are planning to go help out a week or two ahead of time.

We are planning to host a group of international students for a five-week summer conference immediately following the wedding.

It appears that the university doesn't have classes that he can audit until June.

Our options (in no particular order):

Should my husband wait to see if he's accepted for a temp job that will tide us over until the summer, pays relatively well, allows for flexible hours, but probably does not provide him with any sort of long-term career opportunities?

Or should he take a manual labor job at a reputable company in our city that does not pay as well, demand a more regimented work schedule (9 hours a day, 5-- sometimes 6 days a week), but give him a foot in the door at that company?

Or should we consider relocating for other work opportunities?

Or should he spend more time figuring out a business plan for our summer conference to see if that could become a full-time ministry?

Or should he audit classes at a nearby university to continue exploring the possibility of pursuing higher education in the areas that interest him most?

Or should he consider a combination of any of the above?

Maybe we should both join the circus. :-) What would you do?

buying vs renting

When you're going through unemployment, there's a period of "floundering," when you aren't quite sure what to do with yourself, so you reach out for something-- anything-- that might help restore your sense of normalcy and security.

After my husband got laid off, we went through that-- trying to figure out what kind of work he could do, how we could maintain the income we needed, whether or not to pursue various job opportunities...

At the same time, however we wanted to make sure we didn't jump into something simply to establish a false sense of security. We knew God led us to here. We knew God led my husband to work at this specific company. We knew God allowed him to get laid off. Why? Does God want to direct our paths in a totally different direction? If so, how do we go about figuring that out?

A couple weeks ago, we traveled to Minnesota for my husband's grandfather's funeral. As we drove through the barren corn fields of Iowa, we listened to this song:

But if my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
'Cause nothing I have is truly mine

Hmm... What does that mean? Are we "renting" or "buying" right now? We've often talked to our friends about living without regrets-- but what would that look like for us?

I thought back to the week my husband was laid off. We found ourselves unpacking boxes from our move last September. While he worked through numerous boxes of books and collections (that I laid eyes on for the first time ever), he began carrying on an online debate with a group of atheists. That led to a formal blog debate, in which he and one of the atheists posted back and forth for a total of six times.

While I would have avoided that kind of situation, my husband dove in with great relish. He researched his arguments, discussed them with friends, and mulled over it throughout the day. For the first time in our marriage, he entered a zone where I couldn't quite reach him.

I mentioned that observation to him as we began discussing the concept of "buying." If he enjoyed that mental stimulation, that research, that debating so much... what if that was what God designed him to do? What if he were to go back to school for that specific purpose?

He paused before responding with "Huh."

We sank into silence, him processing the new idea and all its implications and me watching his mind at work.

And so, we have begun praying in this direction. If this is what God created my husband to do, then we want to get ready to "buy."

________________________

For those of you who have been asking about his second interview, it seems to have gone well. He has another one tomorrow and has also submitted his resume to a number of other places. All of these are for temporary positions to tide us over until the summer. Thank you for your love and prayers!

seeking re-employment

"The only people who never fail are those who never try." (Ilka Chase)

My husband is the type who is willing to knock on the door of any possible opportunity. Over the last couple weeks, we've discussed everything from looking for another full-time position to starting our own business to going back to school.

The reality is that we have a commitment to host a group of international students this summer for one month. Most full-time positions would not allow anyone to take that much time off, so my husband's been looking for a temporary job to tide us over until the beginning of the summer.

But neither of us expected Temporary Company #1 to turn down his application.

I was washing the dishes when he announced that the low point in his day was when he called Company #1, and the manager informed him that his application had been filled out unsatisfactorily and that he would be barred from applying there again for the next 90 days.

What?! How could it have been that bad?

My husband explained that the online application had included a variety of multiple-choice questions, which required him to say what he would do in various situations that may arise at work-- including employee disagreements. Ah. Maybe that's why my "fix-it-myself-and-help-others-come-to-the-right-conclusion" husband was denied this position.

Even so, the rejection stung.

...which is why I sent him off to job interview #2 this afternoon with a bit of trepidation. I didn't want him to go through that experience again. And yet-- I need to let him try. This is life for those who are seeking re-employment.

I guess we'll see how it goes.

"Right now... I'm good."

I hit a few rough spots yesterday... like when my husband dropped me off for work and when I had to delete his work email from my address book and when my colleague gave me a big hug (I only work once a week, so the last time I saw her was before everything happened).

When people ask me how I'm doing, if I'm not doing well, I usually respond with "OK" before my lip quivers and my eyes well up with tears. But those moments have decreased a bit over the last few days, and the Lord has given us much to be happy about.

...like the fact that we were able to enjoy a breakfast date at Starbucks after we dropped our exchange student off at school this morning, because today is free pastry day! (Thank you, Starbucks!) We even got our drinks for free, because a very kind friend decided to bless us with a gift card.

So instead of responding with "OK," I can smile and answer, "Right now... I'm good."

"a wonder to many"

One of the "luxuries" of unemployment is the feeling that everyday is like a Saturday. In fact, it was difficult for me to remember which day of the week it was, because we spent this first week regrouping-- sleeping in, working on projects that had been on the back burner for too long (such as unpacking the boxes in the garage), and spending time with friends.

A couple days after my husband was laid off, we were doing just that-- we slept in and read the Bible together before getting up for the day. That morning, we read Psalm 71:

"I have become as a wonder to many, but You are my strong refuge." (Psalm 71:7 NKJV)

I wondered what the word "wonder" meant. I wasn't so sure it was a positive term, especially if "You are my strong refuge" immediately followed it. If I were to paraphrase it, it would have sounded a bit like this:

"Everyone is talking about me (behind my back?), but I will seek protection from You."

Not exactly encouraging. So I looked up the words "wonder" and "refuge" in the Strong's Concordance, and this is what I got...

WONDER [4159]: wonder (as a special display of God's power), sign, token (of future event). (Used in Exodus for the plagues against Egypt.)

REFUGE [4268] from rain or storm, from danger of falsehood

Hmm... danger of falsehood? Why falsehood? The more I thought about it, however, the more I realized that my greatest struggle this past week was the fight to believe what is true. When my emotions were hard to control, it was a constant battle to remember Who God is and where we as believers find our true sense of security.

As I told a friend at church today, "God's grace has been so great this week. We are in a good place-- a very hard place, but good. It was just a job-- not our security."

So allow me to try paraphrasing again...

"You have chosen me to be a living demonstration of Your power. You will shield me from the lies of the enemy, because You are the Truth."

Not a bad reason to be talked about.

___________________________

"Let my mouth be filled with Your praise and with Your glory all the day." (Psalm 71:8)

"do something fun..."

Post-employment advice #1 (from Papa): "Do something fun."

What Papa had in mind when he gave me this bit of advice was that we go out for a meal or take a trip somewhere fun. So Friday afternoon, we packed an overnight bag and drove out to the "sticks" of Oklahoma, where my husband dropped me off at the home of one of his former colleagues (one of the directors in the company), while he took our exchange student to motorcycle safety school.

It wasn't the typical weekend trip, because we ended spending much of it apart from each other. While my husband sat through lectures on horrible bike accidents and practiced doing figure eights in a church parking lot, I got a taste of life with eight kids. We spent hours in the kitchen, talking about their perspective on the week (and how they braced for possible lay-off), swapping stories about our families, making homemade ice cream, playing games, and cutting hair (they were brave to hand me the scissors).

It was therapeutic to live life with someone else, to hear how they survived unemployment in the past, and to recognize that one of life's most precious resources is not money but the people who weather the storms with you, who not only cry with you but help you to trust and to laugh no matter what the circumstance.

And laugh we did-- even after they begged my husband to perform some of his songs for the fifth time. As I watched him play "one last time" with just as much gusto as the first, I couldn't help smiling-- and thanking God for blessing me with a man who knows how to trust... and laugh... and love.

the wall

A unique characteristic of the company my husband worked for was their strong sense of community. It wasn't just a work place. It was a family. That's what made the cuts even more painful.

I know that most people don't work in that kind of environment. Perhaps for most people, what follows the cut is alienation and therefore an intense sense of loneliness. I must confess, however, that even with the tight-knit community at my husband's company, it was just as easy to project the same kind of wall in my heart.

When my husband's supervisor-- and our good friend-- dropped him off at work that fateful day, the last thing I wanted to do was see someone who hadn't been cut. Why my husband? Why not you? Yet I knew in my mind that it wasn't his decision. It wasn't even what the company wanted to do. So when he looked at my swollen eyes and asked, "So...are we still friends?" I blinked back tears, swallowed hard and answered, "Yes, of course."

Yesterday evening, we had several friends over, because our exchange student wanted to cook them a Chinese meal. That group included my husband's former supervisor, his wife and child. When we introduced them to our friends from church who didn't know about the lay-off, I found myself struggling to switch from the usual, "He's my husband's supervisor" to-- to what? My husband came to the rescue with "Actually, we didn't want this to be too awkward, but we worked together-- until yesterday."

Sometimes embracing awkwardness is the best step towards normalcy. Because my husband has an amazing ability to shrug things off, we had our friends over last night, he encouraged me to go watch a movie with another friend this afternoon, and then we spent the evening watching an amazing Round 1 of March Madness.

By engaging deliberately with people who also felt that same awkwardness, but from the other side, I am finding the courage to step out of my natural protective instinct and restore that sense of community we valued before.

crying for two

For the past couple of weeks, we've been hearing rumblings of "budget constraints" and "work force reduction." When my husband came home on Monday with news that the inevitable would take place over the next week, it began to hit me for the first time.

So when I kissed my husband good-bye yesterday morning, I didn't know if he'd come home with a job or not. Even so, he turned before he got in the car, smiled and waved at me optimistically... and then he was gone.

I went about my business trying not to think about what could happen. But when I heard the song I had chosen for his ring tone in the late afternoon, my heart sank.

I answered as cheerfully as I could and asked how he was doing. "OK," he responded before breaking the news to me. It wasn't long before I couldn't hold back the flood of tears anymore.

When we hung up, I braced myself against the desk and cried. Pain. Disappointment. Fear. Shame. Pride. Anger. Helplessness. The worst part was not the lack of job security but the fact that I wasn't there to hold him and comfort him when it happened.

That night, I sat on the bed playing my guitar while my husband answered a couple calls from family and friends. I was fine till they asked how I was holding up. I tried to grin bravely, while tears splashed off my face and onto the guitar.

Seventeen months ago, I made a vow to love this man for richer or poorer, for better or worse. I didn't know then how it might feel or how soon I'd experience it or what it would look like. Today, it means crying for the two of us.